Sammi has laid down the law from now on i’m no longer allowed to say Fuck as freely as i once did, she decided i used it too much, so now it has to be limited. i can no longer say “where the fuck is my raincoat” when i’m late for work. now i have to say “where is that darned raincoat” luckly most of my other cuss words are still on the ok list and i can say fuck in chinese so its ok but i definalty don’t wanna end up like Ned Flanders from the Simpsons

since my vocabulary is being limited please help me make a list of new words i can say

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i have recently noticed a big difference in the quality of fakes in china and to tell you the truth i’m upset. i’m not talking about shoes DVD’s clothes watches etc. i’m taking about coke and pepsi, in china its almost impossible to buy real soft drinks and even when they come from the official coke factory something is different about the formula because they can’t keep their carbonation for more than a min or 2 after opening. i have found the cans to be better than the bottles. over the last month i have found the coke and pepsi real and fake avaliable in suzhou to have decreased in quality to the point i can’t drink it. they are lacking the sharp tang that i have learned to associate with coke and the smoother taste i have noticed in pepsi. recently i think the watered down drinks avaliable at movie theaters and fast food joints back home surpasses the quality here.

if i want a real nice tasting coke or pepsi i will have to get one of the import bottles from japan they are extra cool because the bottle is made of metal, but the downside of this is that they cost nearly 20yuan while the chinese coke costs just 2.5 yuan

so i guess i need a new drink so far i’m leaning towards vodka but i can’t drink that at work so feel free to send in your suggestions

cheers

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well everyone looks like the weather has taken a turn for the worse its now freezing cold and raining and winter has barely started. on top of all that i’m sick again i have been hacking up a lung and a half everyday. winter in suzhou has to be the only place worse than for a real canadian winter. this wet drippy cold i can’t stand it chills you to the bone. high humidity and cold weather should never mix and of course suzhou’s lack of central heating makes it even worse. in canada you come in from the -20C weather and the house is +20C so you warm up quickly and can even take off your jacket and sweater and walk around in a t-shirt and shorts. in suzhou you come in from the 0C weather and its 0C inside your house too so you can’t warm up. the only way you can warm up is if you turn on the aircon or if you use a portable heater. but the problem with this is that it only heats up one room and the second you open the door to go into the other room all the heat is lost. also leaving the aircon on for 24hours a day is way too expensive. in the middle of winter you have to have the aircon on in the bedroom at night otherwise you will freeze to death, or atleast have a real goose down quilt. in the winter i dread the trip to the bathroom because you go from your relativily warm bedroom to the fucking freezing bathroom. the only remotely comparable experience i have ever had is trying to piss in a blizzard while i was skiing in canada.

now i will share the best secret with you. for men i recommend having a bucket right next to the bed if the need strikes you in the middle of the night and you really have to go. just poke your little guy out of the quilt lift up the bucket and fire away. girls you still have to get out of bed to use the bucket but its better than going to the bathroom.

p.s. remember to empty the bucket everyday and never piss into an empty juice bottle because in the groggy morning you might mistake it for apple juice.

its good to be a guy

Posted in Bitching, Humor, My life, Suzhou No Comments »

sorry for not posting in so long life has been too busy the last little while. but during this post i feel like ranting so thats what i’m gonna do

ok Girls i know Hello Kitty, Mickey Mouse and all those other cartoons are very cute and they make you feel happy and young. and thats great i don’t mind that at all, your more than welcome to have some dolls or even a t’shirt or hat with one of those characters on it. but where they don’t belong is on your ass, your not 3 fucking years old. everyday when i’m walking i see someone who has a hello kitty or mickey mouse patch covering most of their ass on their jeans. do you wake up in the morning and say “i wonder what would make my figure look the best?”" should i wear my jeans with a nice fit and nicely cut pockets at the back, or should i wear my jeans that have a nice fit with a big picture of Goofy’s face on my ass?” “hmmm tough choice

here are some simple reasons

1) you look stupid

2) its not flattering

3) nicely shaped jeans and pockets can improve your figure, mickey mouse can not

4) your not a child

5) you will probably not get hired for a real job if you wear those to the interview

6) you will never attract a man with an IQ of more than 50

7) everybody is laughing at your behind your back

makes your ass look flat and lumpy

9) i want to kick the picture, that means i will probably kick your ass

Posted in Bitching, Humor, Suzhou 1 Comment »

Over the next few weeks I will be coming up with some new punishments for perpetrators of crimes that are being committed in china. Keep in mind these are my personal opinion I think its very unlikely that China’s government will ever accept them because some of them might be considered inhumane, cruel and unusual.

Fake DVD producers:

There are two different sides to this punishment if they are releasing the high quality DVD’s with correct subtitles and high quality picture then we let them off with a warning and then secretly give them a bonus because I know we all love those DVD’s

If the DVD producer is producing low quality shit which has wrong subtitles and the picture quality is pure webshit. We burn down their factory and steal their bank account and invest their money in a good DVD producers company

And in the special case of movies where some parts of the movie are dubbed in Chinese and other parts are in English such as my copy of “the DaVinci code” we make them shove their dick into the DVD press then burn down the factory.

Bike thieves:

I know we all hate these fuckers, and I think most of us have been burned by them at least one time. When they are caught we don’t send them to the police station we send them to Hek because he has had 7 bikes stolen he has some great things planned for them. By the time he’s done with them, they will walk around fixing bikes for free.

Tourist rip-off shops”

Every one that comes to china meets these people trying to sell you Chinese silk fans for 150yuan when you can buy them in the proper market for under 10yuan. Shop owners that rip off foreigners to this extreme will be taken to a public place and flogged, 1 strike for every 100% increase in price. In the case of the fan people their fans are 1500% higher than the market so they will be flogged 15 times

Hello Hello KTV miss massage Drink people

These assholes are so annoying you can’t go anywhere after 7:30 pm without running into a handful of these people trying to get you to follow them to some locations where their friends will then rob you. They will follow you the whole way down the street trying to convince you to go with them. their punishment will be, they will be stripped naked and covered in tar and feathers then have their photo put on public television/ internet with their name, ID number, and home /mobile phone number. public humiliation to the extreme

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i have noticed in my long stay in china that china has alot of customs and sayings, almost anyone you talk to will say at some point in the conversation say” in china its a custom to….” or ” … its our custom to do that” i have come to realise there is a custom for everything probably most of the customs are thought of on the spot. also i figure a real custom must be old and have some sort of history. the other day i went to a wedding and i asked some people how much money should i give to the bride and groom and they all responded in china its a custom to give 200yuan if you are going alone or 500 yuan if you are bringing a date/partner. i’m wondering how long this exact amount has been an actual custom because for the local chinese person 500 yuan is alot of money nowdays its about 1/3 to 1/4 of their salary and i know about 10 years ago 500 yuan was a few months salary. i think what they should say is that giving money is a custom and if you ask how much should you give they should respond ” people usually give 200yuan” they can’t actually say 200 yuan is a custom because i know in a few years 200yuan will be almost worthless. and if you give that much you will be insulting their customs

another custom that i don’t understand is everyone says its a custom in china to buy a house before you get married, i don’t disagree with it but i do think its odd because not too long ago almost everyone lived in apartments and dormitories that their employer provided and many young people had to put their marriage plans on hold until their employer agreed to give them their own private apartment or at least their own room unless they wanted their co-workers to watching them rutting away. i personally think that would kill the romantic mood.

that bring me on to my next point, chinese sayings. i have heard hundreds of different chinese saying since i came to china if someone has big hands they will say ” in china if you have big hands its lucky” if they have small hands ” in china if you have small hands its lucky” and if you have uneven eyes ” in china if you have uneven eyes you will find lots of money” whatever special feature or cruel deformity someone has they will know a saying about it that is ” its lucky, it will bring them wealth, it will let them have a long life, it give them a high sperm count”

if you eat sweet food you will have a girl and if you eat sour food you will have a boy is another ones of the sayings one person we know ate lots of sour food and her husband ate lots of sour food so they would have a boy and when the mother got pregnant the woman knew in her heart it was a boy so she told all of her friends how lucky she was and how the saying works, however 9 months later out popped a baby girl so i guess the saying didn’t work quite how she wanted. and she was also terribly embarassed because she told all her friends it would be a boy because she ate the food. maybe someone should have told her a famous western saying ” don’t count your chickens before they hatch”

i would like to make a collection of the weirdest chinese customs and saying everyone has heard of so please send them to me

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the other day i was walking along gan jiang lu going over the bridge near the university when i saw them, The thieves all of them of course from the Xin Jiang province they are the muslim minority in china and according to the local suzhou people they are responsible for all the crime in china, or Hector calls them ” the mexicans of china”. normally i don’t pay them too much attention mostly i make sure they are not following me. but today for some unknown reason i wanted to take a little closer look at them. 3 boys probably around the age of 15 or 16 they looked friendly enough but i knew the truth. i have seen before the people from the Xin jiang minority look more handsome than the average chinese person, in truth many xin jiang people could probably be chinese models if the photographer wasn’t so scared they would steal his camera when he wasn’t looking. but never before have a seen that they dress better also. as i walked by i took a look at their clothes, their clothes were italian style, well pressed, clean, and well fit. also they weren’t wearing white socks with black pants and shoes. once i walked by i came up with a great idea seeing as how the average chinese boy dresses like shit and his clothes look like they were picked out by stevie wonder with an abstract painter tripping on acid helping him. i know a few years ago everyone in america was watching “queer eye for a straight guy” how about we come up with a TV show called “XinJiang eye for the Suzhou guy” i think that would be a great idea as long as they don’t steal the script or the camera

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My last blog was about the foreign birds at Jin Ji Hu i was wondering where they came from, and i have just found out. everyone who has been to Jin Ji Hu knows that in the middle of the lake is an island that no-one can go to. it turns out that island is a Bird conservatory a very small one but a conservatory none the less. on this island there is supposedly huge flocks of birds including peacocks, owls, crows, woodpeckers and other non-chinese birds. i think the whole idea is kinda silly having beautiful birds on an island that no-one can go to kind of like have beautiful paintings by famous artists and putting them is boxes so no one can see. i wonder whos idea it was?

well the problem now is that birds don’t like staying on an island that’s so small so they are escaping  now there are thousands of foreign birds around jin ji hu mostly on the east side, but they are increasing in numbers because of having no natural enemies so is only a short time before they get hostile. any day now i’m expecting to go outside and see a scene from Alford hitchcocks ” The Birds”

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I know you always hear that chinese girls are among the most beautiful woman in world, and i guess this is true to an point. the reason for that thinking is that they never show girls from the farms or one of the female labourers in any hollywood movie. So after reading hectors article “cute by default” talking about the farm girls in the SND it got me thinking why are some girls so beautiful and others soooooo fugly.

i came up with 3 good reasons

1st: everyone knows that china is becoming more and more competitive in the sports world. i think the main reason for this is selective breeding. judging by the size of the arms and thighs on some of the girls you see on the bus and walking around in the market you know that their family has been selected to breed girls to compete in the shotput, hammerthrow, weightlifting and wrestling events. i am scared of this type of girl. this is the type of girl that would flip your car if you ever honked your horn at her.

2nd: fake baby formula and overuse of IV’s causes extremely high testosterone levels. when you are on the bus next time i suggest you look at the arms of a fugly chinese girl, you will notice that they have more hair on their arms than most chinese men. last week on the bus i saw a woman wearing an openback shirt, she had more hair on her shoulders and arms than a silverback gorilla. i don’t know why the testosterone causes the chinese woman to become hairy and the chinese men have none. but i think china should investigate

3rd: some chinese girls are very beautiful because……………..

ok i don’t know. but i’m glad they are

Posted in Humor, My life, Sex, Suzhou No Comments »

Well it appears my memory has put me in deep shit, i have somehow managed to forget my mothers birthday. which should have been impossible because me and Sammi were talking about it last week. but it appears my memory has let me down again

i can even blame it on the time difference because i know the time difference between china and canada is 14 hours   but since i had missed my mothers birthday by 3days it doesn’t fit

i could always go to the hospital and ask if they have any herbal memory suppliments but i think most likely they will want to give me an IV for my memory. i seems everything that is wrong with your body the chinese doctor thinks an IV can cure.

Patient: i have a sore stomach

Doctor: you need an IV

Patient: i have a case of the Gout

Doctor: you need an IV

Patient: my hearing is failing

Doctor: you need an IV

Patient: my clothes are dirty

Doctor: you need an IV, it will get those stains right out

Patient: i want a sex change operation

Doctor: an IV will take care of that

Patient: i have an exam tomorrow

Doctor: you need an IV

Patient: i’m cheating on my wife

Doctor: you need an IV

Patient: with your wife

Doctor: NO IV for you, I go give my wife IV make her stop cheating

so it looks like i’m stuck with my bad memory

p.s. my bad memory is also the reason i don’t update my blog enough

Posted in Humor, Medical, My life 1 Comment »