Today when Sammi and I were heading back from Auchan. we saw our first ever high speed chase taking place. while we were riding our electric bike along the bike path. a chinese man on a large black motorcycle shot past up at around 80Km/h which is probably his bikes top speed. a moment later a chinese police car pulls up along side us it has its light and siren blaring. the officers are intently focused on catching the man on the motorbike but because the police made the mistake of trying to drive on the bikepath weaving in and out of bikes their speed was nowhere near the motorcycles and the motorcycle rider escaped. by the time the police car got to the next intersection the motorcycle was long gone. but these two police officers weren’t going to give up so easily so they asked the traffic police at the intersection for help. their conversation was priceless

here is an excerpt

Police Officers: excuse me did you see a man

Traffic Police: yes we have seen several men today

Police Officers: Did you see a man just now

Traffic Police: yes

Police Officers: Which way did he go

Traffic Police: which one

Police Officers: What do you mean which one

Traffic Police: we are at an main intersection we see several hundred men

Police Officers: He was riding a bike

Traffic Police: i think all the men were riding bikes

Police Officers: his was a motorbike

Traffic Police: ah yes we saw several men on motorcycles

Police Officers: a black motorcycle

Traffic Police: it’s nighttime all motorcycles look black, and i am wearing sunglasses so its impossible to tell

Police Officers: it was a man riding a black motorcycle and he was going very fast

Traffic Police: oh yes we saw him

Police Officers: which way did he go

Traffic Police: That way

The two traffic police both point in different directions. one of them was even pointing a up into the air at a 35 degree angle. at this point me and sammi got bored and decided to go home. so we missed the last thing the police officers said but considering that they went off in another direction than the traffic police had pointed i figure they said something like this then gave up

Police Officer 1: What are we gonna do now? since this officer has just told us the motorcycle has taken flight i don’t think they issued us the flying car today, how about just give up

Police Officer 2: sounds good to me, but now i am in a bad mood how about we pull over a BMW and give him a ticket for having 4 wheels the same size to cheer me up.

Police Officer 1: sounds good to me

Posted in Humor, Suzhou, My life No Comments »

It’s raining again, so that puts me in a bad mood since i have forgotten to bring my raincoat with me today, so i know when I am biking home i will get a lovely oily black streak up my nice white shirt from my ass to my neck.

anyone that lives in suzhou knows that the black muck from the road never washes out of your clothes and this is one of my favorite shirts it makes me want to bike home in the nude, anyone else want to join? we could hold a nude biking rally with all proceeds going to buying me new clothes to replace the ones that the rain has ruined.

anyone interested in joining the nude bike rally please send an e-mail to stupididea@bs.com

both men and woman welcome because we don’t want it to turn into a sausage fest.

all shapes and all sizes are welcome.

someone please bring a video camera because i wanna make a video called EGW “expats gone wild” chinese are of course welcome to come

Posted in Humor, Suzhou No Comments »

Welcome back to Suzhou vs The Middle Ages part 2

point 1

Europe: there were beggers everywhere and they were often maimed and crippled from the war and different diseases that caused certain parts of their body to rot off

Suzhou: there are beggers everywhere most of them ordinary people disguised as beggers because they can make a more money being a begger than with an honest job. but there are real beggers that have been maimed by different events such as work accidents, greedy parents, bum fights. many beggers cake their face and skin with different kinds of muck that makes them look like they are rotting away so they can get more pity money. i give them soap

point 2

Europe: there were many pickpockets or cutpurses expecially during Fairs or Carnivals. they would steal your purse with great stealth and skill.

Suzhou: there are many pickpockets and cutpurses around the large shopping districts such as Guan Qian Jie and Shi Lu. they will steal your purse, phone, wallet, pants, bike, hat, leg, arm all with incredible stealth whatever they can get their hands on. according to the local chinese there are no chinese pickpockets all the thiefs are from the XinJiang Province which is the Muslim minority in china.

hmmm interesting relation there looks like worldwide whenever anything bad happens everyone says it must be the Muslims fault. i just noticed that the cheese in my fridge has gone bad i wonder if i can blame the Muslims then maybe the Bush administration will do a full scale invasion of my fridge cleaning it spotless to remove all traces of terrorist using mold

point 3

Europe: when you are riding your horse along the road suddenly a group of men armed with knifes will jump out and steal all your money. OMG its the bandits!!!!

Suzhou:  when you are driving your car along the road suddenly a group of men armed with sticks and whistles will jump out in front of you and tell you to pull your car over to the curb, when you do they will steal all your money for the stupidest reasons such as your tie does not match your cars paint color (600RMB) fine for that. OMG its the police

point 4

Europe: Law? there was law?

Suzhou: Law? there is law? there are lots of rules but i’m still looking for the law

point 5

Europe: Whores from what i have learned in books and from movies it seems like the fallen ladies were everywhere in pubs, whore houses, castles, stables, hell even walking on the street all of them complete with enough diseases to shrivel your nuts into non-existence

Suzhou: the KTV’s have got more girls working inside than the communist party has members.

Posted in Humor, Suzhou No Comments »

This sucks ass yesterday i had the day off work but i couldn’t do anything because it was raining. Now today i wake up in the morning and its still raining. from what i can tell it has been raining for about 24 hours straight. hat i really want to know is where is this raining coming from. if you look up into the sky you can see that the clouds are completely white. i have never seen a days rain come from white clouds before.

a word of advice if you are living in suzhou don’t look up into the sky when its raining without goggles because the rain has so many chemicals and so much acid in it that your eyes will feel like they are burning. china is the only place i have been that if you go walking in the rain you will become smelly and dirty. and if you wash your clothes and hang them outside to dry and it rains all your white clothes will turn yellow.

don’t get the wrong idea about me. i love china i just hate the fucking rain

today at work i think i will have the students chat “RAIN RAIN GO AWAY ” for a few hours maybe then the demonic forces in change of Suzhou’s rain will listen. Or it could be that the rain in Suzhou is regulated by the chinese government so i might have to go bribe some officals to get it to stop. so please anyone who would like to donate some money to help bribe the officals in charge of rain please leave me a message and i will give you my account information

Posted in Bitching, Humor, Suzhou, My life No Comments »

I don’t know about the rest of you but i have been following the Chinese version of American Idol called “Sprite My Show 2006″ the last few months and to tell you the truth i quite enjoy it. I enjoy making fun of the singers i hate and cheering on the people i like. some people i hate very much and i’m sure the only reason they are still in the TV show is that the thousands of lonely countryside girls have fallen in love with them and vote for them every chance they get. when i’m watching the show i can see that the audience is 95% female all cheering on the boy they love. i’m sure if there was more boys watching the show and voting i’m believe the show contestants would be voted more for how they actually sing and perform than how they look.

there were 2 singers i liked very much, the first one is both mine and my wife Sammi’s favorite his name “Lou Kai Yuan” he is a true HipHop and B-boy and probably 1 of 5 Chinese men that can actually dance hiphop in china. i was very upset when he lost today so i dropped a few TMD bombs that got me some odd looks from Sammi. even though he lost i’m sure he will succeed later because he has talent and he can rap in english and chinese so once he learns to focus his energy he will dropkick all though fucking annoying countryside style singers off the charts.

me and sammi other favorite is “Ding Shuang” a Chinese girl with a black gospel singers voice inside of her. she has one of the best voices i have ever heard in china and she is skilled in both chinese songs and english. surprisingly she is actually better at english songs than chinese. her voice has a great range she can sing the lows and the incredibly highs. look out Mariah Carey and Celine Dion this girls gonna knock you the fuck out. and she is gonna destroy Coco Lee in China shes gonna high pitch that silicone right off your ass and tits. here comes Chinese next biggest english singing star i hope. i was so happy that she made it through to the next round today.

and all of you that know any of these crazy countryside bitches that keep voting for the Fugly hairstyle guy and the short scrawny guy with no fashion sense ( i don’t know their chinese names) please smack some fucking sense into them. because we don’t want the winner to be one of these unskilled assholes, do you want them to be representing chinas music scene?

music lovers unite lets help out Ding Shuang

P.S. Shi Yang is totally crazy but he was nice to everyone and i will never forget him dressed as a Bumblebee

Posted in TV, Humor, Suzhou, My life No Comments »

I made a very interesting comparison on my way to work today, i have realized how much modern Suzhou is similar to the Europe in the Middle ages

point 1)

Europe: during the wars life was very chaotic, people were panicking and trying to get to a safe place they thought nothing about the other people on the road. they would kill anyone who got in their way

Suzhou: we call this going to work, people are so focused on getting to work on time they don’t even pay attention to anyone or anything including the buses driving Mach 1 down the wrong side of the road in the bike lane to avoid the traffic on the correct side of the road

point 2)

Europe: During the BLack Plague every morning someone would walk long the street with a cart chanting” bring out your dead, bring out your dead”

Suzhou: At 5am in the morning a man with a cart will walk along your street with a megaphone shouting ” bring out your useless shit, bring out your useless shit” in chinese at such a volume that its impossible to sleep

Point 3

Europe: Jousting people riding horses and holding lances will charge full speed into each other to the delight of the crowds watching

Suzhou: People riding electric bikes and holding a cellphone against their ear will crash full speed into each other because neither is paying attention to where they are going.

Point 4

Europe: the King and Nobles can walk anywhere and expect others to stop for them and they will

Suzhou: the average citizen will step infront of a person, car, bike, bus or even a train and fully expect it to stop for them so they may cross the road. needless to say this doesn’t often work and we quite often end up with a messy situation.

please join me next time where i will continue with Suzhou vs The Middle Ages part 2 ( beggars, pickpockets, bandits, whores, law)

Posted in Life, Humor, Suzhou 2 Comments »