I’ve been so busy recently I pretty much forgot about my blog. Over the last few months I’ve had a lot on my plate and trying to manage so many things at the same time pushed the blog off the table. But with the Chinese New Year finally giving me a chance to catch my breathe I’m able to post once more.

Don’t worry, this time I’m not gonna tell you how to take a shit, I thought how to take a piss in China would be more useful this time.

Step 1: Aim   Step 2: Release     Step 3: Walk away from the statue

Pretty simple. Huh!

Now that that’s done I’ll pass on some real good advice I’ve learned in China about how to keep warm during the winter here without spending thousands of RMB on electricity.

Most apartments in China are poorly made and it shows in winter. Their single pane windows and shitty insulation are a one way ticket to freezing your ass off, therefore, you need to deal with that first one method is to cover the windows with a heavy blanket but that blocks all the natural light and looks like shit. If your landlord permits you, you can redo the seals around the windows with a proper sealant. But if not I suggest duct tape around all the drafty edges. That will keep out the worst drafts. Do the same with your balcony doors. Also make sure the hole in the wall for the air con tubing is sealed most of them the hole is drilled way too large. My first apartment in China had a couple bats crawl through the hole one day while I was out.

The next price of advice I recommend only if your gonna stay for more than one winter and that is buy a high quality duvet or quilt. I know that man-made 60-150RMB blanket looks good and the price is great but it won’t keep you warm. An all natural wool or goose down quilt one is way warmer, lighter weight, and will keep the heat in especially when coupled with an electric blanket. I turn the electric blanket on just before I sleep and have it turn off after an hour and I’m toasty warm until the next morning. I haven’t used the air con all winter which saves me hundreds each month in electricity.
These two tips pretty much anyone can afford and you will be way more comfortable. If you happen to make a bit more money and want to stay even warmer in your office or living room buy heated flooring panels they run about 400-600 per panel and 3-4 panels can cover most peoples living room or office floor. And they use only a quarter the electricity of one small air con. Don’t buy them at a Chinese market or store, go to where the Japanese and Koreans buy them its much cheaper. Later this month I’m planning to cover my entire computer room and bedroom floor with them. My sister can buy her own.

I hope this article was some help to those of you freezing in your Chinese apartments. This article doesn’t apply to those expats living in the villas with central heating. Fuck you, you lucky bastards!

Posted in China General, Life No Comments »

Sometime in China when you’re traveling or away from your home and you really need to take a shit what can you do?

There are a couple methods most people use.

First is to just hold it in until you can get back home. Which can result in severe pain and possible explosive shit. And it sucks walking along having to clench your ass cheeks closed so nothing slips out.

Second is to chance a Chinese public squatting toilet, although this has many serious drawbacks. Such as cleanliness there is oft naught more shit on the ground than there is in the trough because some people hate waiting. If is a squatting toilet without doors you will probably attract quite a crowd. And there is nothing worse than trying to aim your shit into that tiny slot while some countryside fuckwad is yelling “Harrrooooo Harroooo laowai,” at you. But by far the worst circumstance you could find yourself in is your in a squatting toilet where there is no doors or even partitions, everyone is just squatting and shitting in a line. You will probably encounter the English leach that wants to practice English with you while you’re shitting. So just see yourself squatting there facing another guy shitting while he asks you retarded questions: Where are your from? How old are you? Do you like China? Are you used to Chinese food? Do you want to make friends with me? Did you know China has 5000 year of wonderful culture?

Do you want to have to deal with all this shit ( pun intended) while your shitting? I figure its already hard enough to balance yourself while your squatting you don’t need any of those distractions.

So I came up with the “Another Laowai Shitting Technique” Which I have been using myself for over 4 years. This special technique is free for all of you to use until I can get it copyrighted, then you gotta pay for the privilege.

When your out and about and you really need to shit just pop into the nearest 5 star hotel. 4 star hotels can be used if the 5 star hotel is too far away and you really need to shit. Next go up to the front desk and ask directions to some location you know of which is pretty far away. When they offer to call you a taxi say “No thank you I enjoy walking” be sure to ask how far away it is walking. Once they tell you the time you must respond with shock and go ” Wow thats quite a walk, Excuse me where’s your toilet it’s probably a good idea if I went before I start walking” They will then direct you to the hotel’s bathroom which is always superbly clean and well stocked with toilet paper rolls so you don’t need to do the patented Sinocidal technique. Once your in the room just drop your pants and let it drop into the nice clean western toilet. Be sure to enjoy the soft music playing to make your shitting experience more comfortable. I have found one hotel in Shanghai that actually has a small TV in the toilet stall tuned to the sports network so you don’t miss the game, while you’re giving your offering to the toilet gods.

Sometime there just isn’t a nice hotel in the neighborhood so I have a backup plan in that case. You go into any hotel and ask for their best room or something near the top. Make sure it has a bathroom in the room beforehand. Don’t pay the deposit right away. First ask to see the room, they will take you upstairs and show you the room. Tell them you will take the room and you’ll be downstairs in a min to pay the deposit you just want to drop your bags off first and get the money from your bag. The woman will leave the room. Immediately you must go into the bathroom, carefully lift the piece of paper that says “sanitized” from the toilet seat, quickly shit, flush the evidence away, and then carefully place the piece of paper back again. Next you go downstairs and tell the people behind the desk that you decided the room wasn’t satisfactory and won’t be staying. You must leave quickly before they ask too many questions.

And there you have it, the Another Laowai Shitting Technique for your use and pleasure.

All methods have been officially tested by me and are guaranteed to work.

You can offer your thanks in Cash or Comments.

Cash preferred!

Posted in China General, Weird, Life, Humor, My life 9 Comments »

i have noticed in my long stay in china that china has alot of customs and sayings, almost anyone you talk to will say at some point in the conversation say” in china its a custom to….” or ” … its our custom to do that” i have come to realise there is a custom for everything probably most of the customs are thought of on the spot. also i figure a real custom must be old and have some sort of history. the other day i went to a wedding and i asked some people how much money should i give to the bride and groom and they all responded in china its a custom to give 200yuan if you are going alone or 500 yuan if you are bringing a date/partner. i’m wondering how long this exact amount has been an actual custom because for the local chinese person 500 yuan is alot of money nowdays its about 1/3 to 1/4 of their salary and i know about 10 years ago 500 yuan was a few months salary. i think what they should say is that giving money is a custom and if you ask how much should you give they should respond ” people usually give 200yuan” they can’t actually say 200 yuan is a custom because i know in a few years 200yuan will be almost worthless. and if you give that much you will be insulting their customs

another custom that i don’t understand is everyone says its a custom in china to buy a house before you get married, i don’t disagree with it but i do think its odd because not too long ago almost everyone lived in apartments and dormitories that their employer provided and many young people had to put their marriage plans on hold until their employer agreed to give them their own private apartment or at least their own room unless they wanted their co-workers to watching them rutting away. i personally think that would kill the romantic mood.

that bring me on to my next point, chinese sayings. i have heard hundreds of different chinese saying since i came to china if someone has big hands they will say ” in china if you have big hands its lucky” if they have small hands ” in china if you have small hands its lucky” and if you have uneven eyes ” in china if you have uneven eyes you will find lots of money” whatever special feature or cruel deformity someone has they will know a saying about it that is ” its lucky, it will bring them wealth, it will let them have a long life, it give them a high sperm count”

if you eat sweet food you will have a girl and if you eat sour food you will have a boy is another ones of the sayings one person we know ate lots of sour food and her husband ate lots of sour food so they would have a boy and when the mother got pregnant the woman knew in her heart it was a boy so she told all of her friends how lucky she was and how the saying works, however 9 months later out popped a baby girl so i guess the saying didn’t work quite how she wanted. and she was also terribly embarassed because she told all her friends it would be a boy because she ate the food. maybe someone should have told her a famous western saying ” don’t count your chickens before they hatch”

i would like to make a collection of the weirdest chinese customs and saying everyone has heard of so please send them to me

Posted in Life, Humor, Suzhou, My life No Comments »

Crikey, this has been a pretty bad week.

Monday evening i was completely shocked to hear that the “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin had been killed by a stingray while filming his TV show off Australia’s north coast. I don’t know about you but i never thought the Croc hunter would die, to me he has always been the invincible conservationist. i thought if he ever was to die it would have been from a huge shark that he was trying to hug or mate with or a group of crocodiles in some murky water. to me the chances of the great Steve Irwin dying from anything thing less were as likely as Pornstar Jenna Jameson dying from an aggressive sperm.

even though the Crocodile Hunter is dead i hope we never forget what we have learned from his many TV shows and documentaries. we should remember to respect animals expecially the dangerous ones and do our best to help protect them. I think he has even helped China in some ways Chinese people love watching his show and i think by watching the show they are now more protective about the animals in china and are less likely to eat them.

i wish his wife and family strength through this difficult time

So long mate, i’m sure the animals are gonna miss you

Posted in TV, Life 1 Comment »

I made a very interesting comparison on my way to work today, i have realized how much modern Suzhou is similar to the Europe in the Middle ages

point 1)

Europe: during the wars life was very chaotic, people were panicking and trying to get to a safe place they thought nothing about the other people on the road. they would kill anyone who got in their way

Suzhou: we call this going to work, people are so focused on getting to work on time they don’t even pay attention to anyone or anything including the buses driving Mach 1 down the wrong side of the road in the bike lane to avoid the traffic on the correct side of the road

point 2)

Europe: During the BLack Plague every morning someone would walk long the street with a cart chanting” bring out your dead, bring out your dead”

Suzhou: At 5am in the morning a man with a cart will walk along your street with a megaphone shouting ” bring out your useless shit, bring out your useless shit” in chinese at such a volume that its impossible to sleep

Point 3

Europe: Jousting people riding horses and holding lances will charge full speed into each other to the delight of the crowds watching

Suzhou: People riding electric bikes and holding a cellphone against their ear will crash full speed into each other because neither is paying attention to where they are going.

Point 4

Europe: the King and Nobles can walk anywhere and expect others to stop for them and they will

Suzhou: the average citizen will step infront of a person, car, bike, bus or even a train and fully expect it to stop for them so they may cross the road. needless to say this doesn’t often work and we quite often end up with a messy situation.

please join me next time where i will continue with Suzhou vs The Middle Ages part 2 ( beggars, pickpockets, bandits, whores, law)

Posted in Life, Humor, Suzhou No Comments »