Sometime in China when you’re traveling or away from your home and you really need to take a shit what can you do?

There are a couple methods most people use.

First is to just hold it in until you can get back home. Which can result in severe pain and possible explosive shit. And it sucks walking along having to clench your ass cheeks closed so nothing slips out.

Second is to chance a Chinese public squatting toilet, although this has many serious drawbacks. Such as cleanliness there is oft naught more shit on the ground than there is in the trough because some people hate waiting. If is a squatting toilet without doors you will probably attract quite a crowd. And there is nothing worse than trying to aim your shit into that tiny slot while some countryside fuckwad is yelling “Harrrooooo Harroooo laowai,” at you. But by far the worst circumstance you could find yourself in is your in a squatting toilet where there is no doors or even partitions, everyone is just squatting and shitting in a line. You will probably encounter the English leach that wants to practice English with you while you’re shitting. So just see yourself squatting there facing another guy shitting while he asks you retarded questions: Where are your from? How old are you? Do you like China? Are you used to Chinese food? Do you want to make friends with me? Did you know China has 5000 year of wonderful culture?

Do you want to have to deal with all this shit ( pun intended) while your shitting? I figure its already hard enough to balance yourself while your squatting you don’t need any of those distractions.

So I came up with the “Another Laowai Shitting Technique” Which I have been using myself for over 4 years. This special technique is free for all of you to use until I can get it copyrighted, then you gotta pay for the privilege.

When your out and about and you really need to shit just pop into the nearest 5 star hotel. 4 star hotels can be used if the 5 star hotel is too far away and you really need to shit. Next go up to the front desk and ask directions to some location you know of which is pretty far away. When they offer to call you a taxi say “No thank you I enjoy walking” be sure to ask how far away it is walking. Once they tell you the time you must respond with shock and go ” Wow thats quite a walk, Excuse me where’s your toilet it’s probably a good idea if I went before I start walking” They will then direct you to the hotel’s bathroom which is always superbly clean and well stocked with toilet paper rolls so you don’t need to do the patented Sinocidal technique. Once your in the room just drop your pants and let it drop into the nice clean western toilet. Be sure to enjoy the soft music playing to make your shitting experience more comfortable. I have found one hotel in Shanghai that actually has a small TV in the toilet stall tuned to the sports network so you don’t miss the game, while you’re giving your offering to the toilet gods.

Sometime there just isn’t a nice hotel in the neighborhood so I have a backup plan in that case. You go into any hotel and ask for their best room or something near the top. Make sure it has a bathroom in the room beforehand. Don’t pay the deposit right away. First ask to see the room, they will take you upstairs and show you the room. Tell them you will take the room and you’ll be downstairs in a min to pay the deposit you just want to drop your bags off first and get the money from your bag. The woman will leave the room. Immediately you must go into the bathroom, carefully lift the piece of paper that says “sanitized” from the toilet seat, quickly shit, flush the evidence away, and then carefully place the piece of paper back again. Next you go downstairs and tell the people behind the desk that you decided the room wasn’t satisfactory and won’t be staying. You must leave quickly before they ask too many questions.

And there you have it, the Another Laowai Shitting Technique for your use and pleasure.

All methods have been officially tested by me and are guaranteed to work.

You can offer your thanks in Cash or Comments.

Cash preferred!

Posted in China General, Weird, Life, Humor, My life 9 Comments »

Today I was very embarrassed much to the amusement of Sammi and my sister. We were having dinner at a very classy restaurant when moments after I sat down the restaurant staff came over with a large chair because they thought the chair I was sitting in was squishing my ass to much. Which was very kind of them. But they could have been more discreet about it, instead of carrying the larger chair above their head through the whole restaurant. So as Sammi, my sister, and a bunch of her friends all laughed their asses off at my expense I got 丢死人了diū sǐ rén le (embarrassed to death).

But I’m hoping with a bit of luck I won’t be given the large chair next time because I have as of this morning obtained a membership at Powerhouse Gym

Posted in Humor, My life 3 Comments »

I don’t like cats and I don’t think I ever will. Yes, they are cute and they are easy too look after, but I am a dog person myself. I wasn’t expecting last night when I went home that I would find 4 kittens in my bathtub.

Sammi had told me that there was gonna be a surprise when I got home but this wasn’t what I was expecting.

Turns out my sister saw the kittens downstairs and knew they would die during the typhoon so she decided to rescue them. She plans to put them downstairs again after the typhoon is finished

I hope they are gone soon because their food really stinks and its stinking up the whole house.

why couldn’t she find a bunch of wet cute puppies downstairs?

Posted in Weird, Suzhou, My life 1 Comment »

I feel like a virgin all over again.

For the first time ever I have actually invested a good chunk of money in China. How did this happen you may ask, because everyone knows I put Scrooge to shame in the tightwad department.

Well it goes like this, I came home for work after 13 hours working and I’m fucking tired all I want is something to eat then hit the sack and as I’m rummaging around trying to find something in the fridge that hasn’t expired.� Sammi come up and says “I wanna ask your permission to purchase something” Since my main interest was in eating some food I said “Ok, sure, you have my permission.” Without actually waiting to hear what it was. I guessed it was shoes, clothes or something for around the house and since I had a good day I felt generous.

So I asked her what she wanted to buy? and she said “I don’t wanna buy anything I want to invest in something at the bank”� My brain slowly woke up to the fact she wasn’t asking for a couple hundred but she was talking about serious money not petty cash. Then my brain realized it had had a long day and didn’t wanna argue so I gave in without a fight and said OK again. Sammi was surprised how quickly I agreed so she checked a few more times to be sure.

Two days later, Sammi went off to the bank with her father, because her father’s friends with the banks investment manager. Few hours later we were the proud owners of a bunch of bonds, and some things similar to stocks in 3 companies I have never heard about.I have never trusted Chinese companies so I said a tearless goodbye to the money because I didn’t believe it would ever workout and I figured we would lose most of it when the companies crashed.

So I’m sure you can imagine my shock when Sammi checked our account online 2 days later and found we had earned 700rmb already. Huh i guess some Chinese companies don’t fuck up or try fuck you over. I wanted to sing and dance but then I remembered my sore throat and fever and crawled back into bed.

Posted in China General, My life 7 Comments »

This last few weeks have been very hectic for me due to my sister coming to visit for 8 months. Which is why I haven’t been posting for a the last week and a bit because I have been helping her settle in.� It’s weird having my sister around again since I have barely seen her in the last 4 years.

Luckily for me her and Sammi are getting along great. My sister is a pretty good cook so i get to eat some healthier foods such as wraps and veggies so my recently acquired belly should soon be on its way out.

Just in time for the wedding photos

Posted in My life 2 Comments »

Today from 11pm until late there was a meteor shower over Suzhou since Sammi has never seen a falling star before we went off and joined the crowds at JinJiHu hoping to catch a view of some falling stars. We found a spot a bit away from the fucking lights pointed straight at the sky so we had a bit of a view of some ordinary stars but nothing compared to the nighttime views you would see in Canada especially in the mountains.

So there we are first sitting down with our heads craned up towards the sky trying to find one, once I informed Sammi that it wasn’t the most comfortable position and that in Canada we usually just lie on our back she put her head in my lap and within seconds saw the first shooting star of her life with the appropriate shrieks to accompany it. So I thought finally its starting so I lay on my back� and about 10 min later i saw my first falling star in China.

But then we didn’t see another meteor for about 30 min then we saw another one after about 40 min later, then again about 40 min later. We lay there for well over 2 hours seeing in total 6 meteors 2 of which were somewhat bright the rest were just mere flashes. Nothing streaking across the sky. Of course there was also a bunch of idiots there luckily not near us, trying to take photos of meteors using their camera phones and flash photography. Fucking retards

So in my opinion it was the worst fucking meteor shower of my life, but for Sammi it was special. I haev promised her that when she comes to Canada she can see a meteor shower thats actually visible without all the fucking lights at the sky and pollution in the air which inhibits our viewing.

For your information the meteor shower today is the Perseids

Info from wiki

The most visible meteor shower in most years are the Perseid’s which peak on August 12th -August 13th of each year at over 1 meteor a minute.

Doesn’t sound the the one I saw maybe for this meteor shower some of the meteors were not allowed in Chinese airspace due to government security concerns, “We must control the peoples access to the falling stars we don’t want to entitle them to too many wishes that aren’t state sanctioned”

Seeing a falling star in China is like finding a honest policeman, almost fucking impossible!

Posted in China General, Humor, My life 2 Comments »

Those of you that have known me for many years know that i was an avid reader when I still lived in Canada, but since I moved to China I have been restricted in my reading. Due to the lack of proper english bookstores and extremely high Overseas shipping rates through Amazon. And I don’t know if the books would make it through customs without being confiscated. So on my rare trips back home I stocked up on books

But I have been in luck, last month when my mother came to visit she brought a suitcase full of books and other goodies for me. And next month my Sister is moving to Suzhou for 6 month and she will also bring me a shipment of book which should keep me busy for a few days. Sammi doesn’t know how I can read a 800 page book in one evening because that same book would take her the better part of a year or more to finish. When my books are all finished I’m forced online to get my book fix usually through Project Gutenberg (needs proxy)� but nothing beats the feels of paper moving between your fingers as your eyes soak up every word.

While I knew it was easy to find older books online I didn’t know it was easy to find new book. Last Sunday I went onto Pirate Bay to get some new movies I’m too cheap to spend the 5RMB on a DVD now. And I found they had changed their logo into to Harry Potter image which clicking on allowed you to do a search for Book 7 which came out Saturday. Its amazing it only takes 24 hours to have a book bought then have the text ripped from it and plugged into a PDF. And since i’m completely without morals I downloaded the book and read it. It was actually pretty good except the last chapter which in my opinion was just put there to ensure no further sequels.

My next challange is to attempt a book my Mother also an avid reader couldn’t wade through

Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn’s: The Gulag Archipelago

wish me luck� or donate some money so i can buy more interesting books though the import bookshop

Posted in My life 3 Comments »

This evening when i got back from work I took my battery out of my new electric bike and plugged it in to be charged as I normally do inside the bottom of my apartment which you need a Magnetic Pass to enter. I went upstairs and had dinner, this was pretty late maybe around 9:30 or so.

After an hour or so my Sammi’s cousin went downstairs to plug in her battery also. She came back upstairs and said that someone had put my battery back into my bike and that two weird looking peasant fucks were staring through the door window, who quickly left when they were spotted.

Sammi went downstairs to check because I was busy working then she phoned me and said that someone had opened my bike lock so I went downstairs to check it out.

I told her to phone security which came after a minute or two. We then proceeded to explain what had happened and my Sammi’s cousin described the two men as being young and from the countryside and one wearing a black sports jumpsuit and the other wearing a white sports jumpsuit typical Chinese wanna be thugshit clothing. About 30 seconds later who should walk through the central area just in front of our apartment but two men from the countryside one wearing a white jumpsuit and the other a black looking toward our door then quickly shuffling away. Sammi’s cousin immediately pointed them out to the security guard as the one she saw at the window. Who after some delay radioed some other guards and told them to look for a man in white and one in black.

We told the security guard why not go detain them yourself now, you are closest to them so off he went after them leisurely not in any real hurry. We then phoned the Police which was pointless because they told us they wouldn’t come because it was late and that the security guards should deal with it, further solidifying my opinion of the uselessness of Police in China

After a while we phoned security again to see what was happening, eventually the guards came back to the bottom entrance of our apartment building they told us they were unable to find the two men. I don’t know how the guard was unable to catch up with the two men who were just 20m in front of him when he left to go catch them. I could understand if finding the guy wearing black was difficult to find at nighttime but not the guy wearing white he stuck out way too much.

Sammi’s belief is that the security guard was afraid of catching the men and having trouble. You think they would have received some training before being allowed to be a security guard at a complex geared towards Expats.

So now my bike is broken, my lock is broken, the ignition on my bike has been wrenched open to allow them to drive it without a key which means i can’t even use it to go somewhere to fix my bike. So now my bike is completely immobile and i need it for work tomorrow.

I hold the guards to blame for this because i believe most of them are incompetent and don’t watch carefully enough and don’t patrol enough. I moved into this complex from a cheaper apartment complex in SIP. Since i am paying more money I would have expected better quality service from the guards. The last place i lived at the guards were very attentive and checked almost everyone going in and out and we never had any issues.

I’m trying to find out the correct channel to make a proper complaint and I plan to hold this complex financially responsible for all damages. Tomorrow I plan to have someone come fix my bike and buy a new lock I will give the bill for all this to the people in charge of the management.

I don’t know why we are paying a fee to the guards every month is they are not doing anything to deserve it. we need more than just someone to open the gate at night we need some guards that can make us feel safe here. Today it’s bike thieves maybe later it will be break-in’s and assault.

If i ever catch anyone trying to steal my electric bike again i will kick the fucking shit out of them. Then once I’m finished that I will attempt to shove my electric bike completely up their ass. I’m pretty sure my bike won’t fit up there and i’m positive the effort would rip their body apart but that wouldn’t matter because after that I will sell their torn flesh to the Yangrouchuan guys to use instead of cat on the barbeque . Then the money I get for their fucking meat I will use to fix my bike again

Fuckers I’m coming for you

Posted in Rants, Scary, Suzhou, My life 3 Comments »

Today is the worst day of my life; I guess I�m attractive to gays. Today me and Sammi were on Shi Quan Jie Sammi went off to buy a milk tea for me and herself. Suddenly out of nowhere this young Asian man appeared and stopped next to me and Said �hi� to me in the type of stereotypical voice normal reserved for gay men in comedy movies. I however ignored that and proceeded to say hi back to him because I�m a friendly person I thought maybe he just has funny pronunciation. However, the next few questions quickly changed my mind. it was when he asked me where I was from he said �so cutie where are you from� I knew for sure that he was flaming gay and since Sammi was still getting the milk tea I couldn�t run away so I replied I�m from Canada to which he responded �Oh I like Canada, because it rhymes with banana. I like bananas very much? After which he sang Canada banana banana Canada. I was seriously creeped out, and this guy kept getting closer and closer to me. Then to make things even more weird and creepy he said �Your handsome I like you, I like big foreigners very much�. At the same time as he said this he did a pelvic thrust in my direction. That was the last straw I was panicking so I looked over at Sammi telepathically telling her to hurry the fuck up or I was bolting. When the Flamer saw me staring at Sammi, he said in a disapproving tone �who�s that girl, Is she your friend or tour guide?� I was finally able to save myself by informing him that Sammi was in fact my wife. To which he responded � Ahhhh Shucks your already taken?? I responded �yeah�.

Finally Sammi came over and saved me from the conversation so the guy said � ok I hope to see you again privately sometime� and quickly walked away swiveling his hips. As we got back onto the bike to go back home Sammi said �I think he wanted to fuck you� �NO SHIT� was the only correct response.

Normally I have no problem with gays I completely believe that they should be entitled to the same privileges as straight people with no persecution or harassment , a few of my friends in Canada where openly gay but this guy was too much, He would have been rejected from the gay pride parade because he was too flaming

I will be avoiding Shi Quan Jie for the next 6 months and if I�m forced to go there I will carry a sign that says �PROSTITUES AND DESPERATE SINGLES FUCK OFF I�M MARRIED�

Excuse me I will go have nightmares now

Posted in Scary, Suzhou, My life 7 Comments »

Well after several long months waiting i finally had a meeting with my schools boss to re-negotiate my contact and sort out all the bullshit. and i’m fairly pleased with the result being my workday is now much shorter i go to work at 8:30 which isn’t bad and then i get off for lunch around 11:40 i’m due back at school at 2:10 for my next class then i finish work at 3:30. i’m happy with the 2 1/2 hours free at lunchtime i might try get a part-time job for 2 hours then. i figure 2 hours everyday for 150yuan per hour could get me an extra 6-7000yuan�every month. and to add to that with my re-negotiated contract i get an extra 700 a month for putting up with all the bullshit that they had put me through the last 5 months

needless to say both me and sammi where happy last night so i gotta celebrate with an indulgence trip to the import food shops and bought some real food

Posted in Work, My life No Comments »