People thayt follow my blog know that i like to bitch about thew weather, well for once i won’t be bitching recently i have been happy with the warmer tempatures. maybe its due to global warming or some weird chinese weather modification but i’m happy, because this time last year every night i was freezing my balls off and had the heater cranked up trying to stay alive.

those of you that live in Suzhou know that Suzhou has the shitty cold humid weather that seeps into your bones and keeps your hands and feet permenantly frozen will be glad about this recent heat wave also

i think i might just have to get back onto that bike again

anyone up for a ride?

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Sammi has laid down the law from now on i’m no longer allowed to say Fuck as freely as i once did, she decided i used it too much, so now it has to be limited. i can no longer say “where the fuck is my raincoat” when i’m late for work. now i have to say “where is that darned raincoat” luckly most of my other cuss words are still on the ok list and i can say fuck in chinese so its ok but i definalty don’t wanna end up like Ned Flanders from the Simpsons

since my vocabulary is being limited please help me make a list of new words i can say

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Wow i haven’t updated my blog in a long time i guess thats because i have been sick, tired, weather pissed me off, and i’m also just plain lazy

our issue with the landlord improved he no longer minds if we have a dog in the apartment as long as we keep it away from the stupid bitches in the building. sometimes we really hate this suzhou bitches, sammi is suzhou people but she also hates the old fucking bitches that complain about everything and have nothing better to do than bitch about something and cause trouble.

the other week sammi took kingkong downstairs to take a shit and after he finished sammi used the plastic bag to pick up the poop and put in the garbage. some old bitch came over and told sammi that near her house there is lots of dog shit and it must be our dogs. sammi argued that it can’t be because our dog is on lease and we always pick up after him. sammi then asked the woman where she lives the woman said she lives in block 17 which is about a 5 min walk from our place its about the furthest away you could get from our house sammi said it was it was impossible for it to be ours but the old bitch wouldn’t listen and said all the shit in xinxin hua yuan is our fault. at this point Sammi realized talking to this woman was pointless and told her ” listen you fucking inbred twat there is more than one dog in this apartment complex so shut the fuck up before i shove this dog shit down your throat, your the living proof that not all dogs have 4 legs biatch!

sammi went inside at that point and turn on the tv, good girl she’s learning how to deal with bitches properly

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i have recently noticed a big difference in the quality of fakes in china and to tell you the truth i’m upset. i’m not talking about shoes DVD’s clothes watches etc. i’m taking about coke and pepsi, in china its almost impossible to buy real soft drinks and even when they come from the official coke factory something is different about the formula because they can’t keep their carbonation for more than a min or 2 after opening. i have found the cans to be better than the bottles. over the last month i have found the coke and pepsi real and fake avaliable in suzhou to have decreased in quality to the point i can’t drink it. they are lacking the sharp tang that i have learned to associate with coke and the smoother taste i have noticed in pepsi. recently i think the watered down drinks avaliable at movie theaters and fast food joints back home surpasses the quality here.

if i want a real nice tasting coke or pepsi i will have to get one of the import bottles from japan they are extra cool because the bottle is made of metal, but the downside of this is that they cost nearly 20yuan while the chinese coke costs just 2.5 yuan

so i guess i need a new drink so far i’m leaning towards vodka but i can’t drink that at work so feel free to send in your suggestions

cheers

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well everyone looks like the weather has taken a turn for the worse its now freezing cold and raining and winter has barely started. on top of all that i’m sick again i have been hacking up a lung and a half everyday. winter in suzhou has to be the only place worse than for a real canadian winter. this wet drippy cold i can’t stand it chills you to the bone. high humidity and cold weather should never mix and of course suzhou’s lack of central heating makes it even worse. in canada you come in from the -20C weather and the house is +20C so you warm up quickly and can even take off your jacket and sweater and walk around in a t-shirt and shorts. in suzhou you come in from the 0C weather and its 0C inside your house too so you can’t warm up. the only way you can warm up is if you turn on the aircon or if you use a portable heater. but the problem with this is that it only heats up one room and the second you open the door to go into the other room all the heat is lost. also leaving the aircon on for 24hours a day is way too expensive. in the middle of winter you have to have the aircon on in the bedroom at night otherwise you will freeze to death, or atleast have a real goose down quilt. in the winter i dread the trip to the bathroom because you go from your relativily warm bedroom to the fucking freezing bathroom. the only remotely comparable experience i have ever had is trying to piss in a blizzard while i was skiing in canada.

now i will share the best secret with you. for men i recommend having a bucket right next to the bed if the need strikes you in the middle of the night and you really have to go. just poke your little guy out of the quilt lift up the bucket and fire away. girls you still have to get out of bed to use the bucket but its better than going to the bathroom.

p.s. remember to empty the bucket everyday and never piss into an empty juice bottle because in the groggy morning you might mistake it for apple juice.

its good to be a guy

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i have noticed in my long stay in china that china has alot of customs and sayings, almost anyone you talk to will say at some point in the conversation say” in china its a custom to….” or ” … its our custom to do that” i have come to realise there is a custom for everything probably most of the customs are thought of on the spot. also i figure a real custom must be old and have some sort of history. the other day i went to a wedding and i asked some people how much money should i give to the bride and groom and they all responded in china its a custom to give 200yuan if you are going alone or 500 yuan if you are bringing a date/partner. i’m wondering how long this exact amount has been an actual custom because for the local chinese person 500 yuan is alot of money nowdays its about 1/3 to 1/4 of their salary and i know about 10 years ago 500 yuan was a few months salary. i think what they should say is that giving money is a custom and if you ask how much should you give they should respond ” people usually give 200yuan” they can’t actually say 200 yuan is a custom because i know in a few years 200yuan will be almost worthless. and if you give that much you will be insulting their customs

another custom that i don’t understand is everyone says its a custom in china to buy a house before you get married, i don’t disagree with it but i do think its odd because not too long ago almost everyone lived in apartments and dormitories that their employer provided and many young people had to put their marriage plans on hold until their employer agreed to give them their own private apartment or at least their own room unless they wanted their co-workers to watching them rutting away. i personally think that would kill the romantic mood.

that bring me on to my next point, chinese sayings. i have heard hundreds of different chinese saying since i came to china if someone has big hands they will say ” in china if you have big hands its lucky” if they have small hands ” in china if you have small hands its lucky” and if you have uneven eyes ” in china if you have uneven eyes you will find lots of money” whatever special feature or cruel deformity someone has they will know a saying about it that is ” its lucky, it will bring them wealth, it will let them have a long life, it give them a high sperm count”

if you eat sweet food you will have a girl and if you eat sour food you will have a boy is another ones of the sayings one person we know ate lots of sour food and her husband ate lots of sour food so they would have a boy and when the mother got pregnant the woman knew in her heart it was a boy so she told all of her friends how lucky she was and how the saying works, however 9 months later out popped a baby girl so i guess the saying didn’t work quite how she wanted. and she was also terribly embarassed because she told all her friends it would be a boy because she ate the food. maybe someone should have told her a famous western saying ” don’t count your chickens before they hatch”

i would like to make a collection of the weirdest chinese customs and saying everyone has heard of so please send them to me

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the other day i was walking along gan jiang lu going over the bridge near the university when i saw them, The thieves all of them of course from the Xin Jiang province they are the muslim minority in china and according to the local suzhou people they are responsible for all the crime in china, or Hector calls them ” the mexicans of china”. normally i don’t pay them too much attention mostly i make sure they are not following me. but today for some unknown reason i wanted to take a little closer look at them. 3 boys probably around the age of 15 or 16 they looked friendly enough but i knew the truth. i have seen before the people from the Xin jiang minority look more handsome than the average chinese person, in truth many xin jiang people could probably be chinese models if the photographer wasn’t so scared they would steal his camera when he wasn’t looking. but never before have a seen that they dress better also. as i walked by i took a look at their clothes, their clothes were italian style, well pressed, clean, and well fit. also they weren’t wearing white socks with black pants and shoes. once i walked by i came up with a great idea seeing as how the average chinese boy dresses like shit and his clothes look like they were picked out by stevie wonder with an abstract painter tripping on acid helping him. i know a few years ago everyone in america was watching “queer eye for a straight guy” how about we come up with a TV show called “XinJiang eye for the Suzhou guy” i think that would be a great idea as long as they don’t steal the script or the camera

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My last blog was about the foreign birds at Jin Ji Hu i was wondering where they came from, and i have just found out. everyone who has been to Jin Ji Hu knows that in the middle of the lake is an island that no-one can go to. it turns out that island is a Bird conservatory a very small one but a conservatory none the less. on this island there is supposedly huge flocks of birds including peacocks, owls, crows, woodpeckers and other non-chinese birds. i think the whole idea is kinda silly having beautiful birds on an island that no-one can go to kind of like have beautiful paintings by famous artists and putting them is boxes so no one can see. i wonder whos idea it was?

well the problem now is that birds don’t like staying on an island that’s so small so they are escaping  now there are thousands of foreign birds around jin ji hu mostly on the east side, but they are increasing in numbers because of having no natural enemies so is only a short time before they get hostile. any day now i’m expecting to go outside and see a scene from Alford hitchcocks ” The Birds”

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I know china has lots of imported goods for sale in suzhou now but i’m kinda wondering if they have started imported other things that shouldn’t be imported. today when me and sammi were biking around Jin Ji Hu while we where on east side near the new houses, yes houses not apartments. we saw a bird on the path it was a mid size bird. i look at the bird and see a large pointed bill and a pointed crest on its head. i said to sammi ” thats a fucking woodpecker” she told me that she had never seen that type of bird before not even in a book or a photo of it. i recognised the bird from my mothers book on birds of north america i’m not sure what the birds name is though. at first i thought it was someones illegal pet that had escaped but then we saw another one. we started biking down the path slowly suddenly i heard a CAW CAW CAW and looked up. it was a black and white Magpie i know the magpie is not a chinese bird. me and sammi were then very curious about where all these birds were coming from so we walked towards a bunch of trees near the canal near the houses. in the bamboo trees you could see thousands of birds most of them common chinese birds but some of them you could tell were not native. in suzhou you are lucky if you see more than one small bird in the sky in a day. but out here there are thousands. i start walking in this field of grass and bushes behind the housing complex suddenly a Pheasant or a large Grouse takes off from right next to us i nearly shit my pants.

i give up walking in the grass and head back to the path on the way i look up into the tree and see a huge nest i’m wondering which bird that belongs to. next weekend i will probably go back there with a better camera and try identify these birds and i also want to find out where they came from. me and sammi saw about 8 different species of bird that should not be in china. i knew 4 of them i want to find out the rest.

if china is now importing birds to make SIP more special i’m a little worried  soon after the birds over populate we will have another of Chairman Mao’s great sparrow hunt’s

if anyone has a good camera  with a strong Zoom let me know maybe we can all go next weekend and find the birds.

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I got a phonecall this morning from my school asking me why i wasn’t at work yet, my answer its saturday the school should be closed on a saturday. but that was not good enough for the school because they said because of the national holiday we need to work the weekend before because its not October 1st yet. i figure they also want me to return to work on the 8th which is next sunday because the holiday is over after 7 days and God forbid they let us have 8 days holiday. i guess i should probably just play it stupid and forget to come until they phone me

well i guess that all makes sense, NOT!. what i don’t understand is why schools have continue on the weekend but most companies don’t. it should be the other way around, or we could make it even better and have both cancelled for the weekend

i figure working extra days to make up for the days we get off must be some sort of fucked up  joke in the chinese communist calender thats dictates whatever you can do.

anyway i’m just glad the holiday is coming i sure can use it

have a nice holiday everyone

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