I don’t like cats and I don’t think I ever will. Yes, they are cute and they are easy too look after, but I am a dog person myself. I wasn’t expecting last night when I went home that I would find 4 kittens in my bathtub.

Sammi had told me that there was gonna be a surprise when I got home but this wasn’t what I was expecting.

Turns out my sister saw the kittens downstairs and knew they would die during the typhoon so she decided to rescue them. She plans to put them downstairs again after the typhoon is finished

I hope they are gone soon because their food really stinks and its stinking up the whole house.

why couldn’t she find a bunch of wet cute puppies downstairs?

Posted in Weird, Suzhou, My life 1 Comment »

This evening when i got back from work I took my battery out of my new electric bike and plugged it in to be charged as I normally do inside the bottom of my apartment which you need a Magnetic Pass to enter. I went upstairs and had dinner, this was pretty late maybe around 9:30 or so.

After an hour or so my Sammi’s cousin went downstairs to plug in her battery also. She came back upstairs and said that someone had put my battery back into my bike and that two weird looking peasant fucks were staring through the door window, who quickly left when they were spotted.

Sammi went downstairs to check because I was busy working then she phoned me and said that someone had opened my bike lock so I went downstairs to check it out.

I told her to phone security which came after a minute or two. We then proceeded to explain what had happened and my Sammi’s cousin described the two men as being young and from the countryside and one wearing a black sports jumpsuit and the other wearing a white sports jumpsuit typical Chinese wanna be thugshit clothing. About 30 seconds later who should walk through the central area just in front of our apartment but two men from the countryside one wearing a white jumpsuit and the other a black looking toward our door then quickly shuffling away. Sammi’s cousin immediately pointed them out to the security guard as the one she saw at the window. Who after some delay radioed some other guards and told them to look for a man in white and one in black.

We told the security guard why not go detain them yourself now, you are closest to them so off he went after them leisurely not in any real hurry. We then phoned the Police which was pointless because they told us they wouldn’t come because it was late and that the security guards should deal with it, further solidifying my opinion of the uselessness of Police in China

After a while we phoned security again to see what was happening, eventually the guards came back to the bottom entrance of our apartment building they told us they were unable to find the two men. I don’t know how the guard was unable to catch up with the two men who were just 20m in front of him when he left to go catch them. I could understand if finding the guy wearing black was difficult to find at nighttime but not the guy wearing white he stuck out way too much.

Sammi’s belief is that the security guard was afraid of catching the men and having trouble. You think they would have received some training before being allowed to be a security guard at a complex geared towards Expats.

So now my bike is broken, my lock is broken, the ignition on my bike has been wrenched open to allow them to drive it without a key which means i can’t even use it to go somewhere to fix my bike. So now my bike is completely immobile and i need it for work tomorrow.

I hold the guards to blame for this because i believe most of them are incompetent and don’t watch carefully enough and don’t patrol enough. I moved into this complex from a cheaper apartment complex in SIP. Since i am paying more money I would have expected better quality service from the guards. The last place i lived at the guards were very attentive and checked almost everyone going in and out and we never had any issues.

I’m trying to find out the correct channel to make a proper complaint and I plan to hold this complex financially responsible for all damages. Tomorrow I plan to have someone come fix my bike and buy a new lock I will give the bill for all this to the people in charge of the management.

I don’t know why we are paying a fee to the guards every month is they are not doing anything to deserve it. we need more than just someone to open the gate at night we need some guards that can make us feel safe here. Today it’s bike thieves maybe later it will be break-in’s and assault.

If i ever catch anyone trying to steal my electric bike again i will kick the fucking shit out of them. Then once I’m finished that I will attempt to shove my electric bike completely up their ass. I’m pretty sure my bike won’t fit up there and i’m positive the effort would rip their body apart but that wouldn’t matter because after that I will sell their torn flesh to the Yangrouchuan guys to use instead of cat on the barbeque . Then the money I get for their fucking meat I will use to fix my bike again

Fuckers I’m coming for you

Posted in Rants, Scary, Suzhou, My life 3 Comments »

Today is the worst day of my life; I guess I’m attractive to gays. Today me and Sammi were on Shi Quan Jie Sammi went off to buy a milk tea for me and herself. Suddenly out of nowhere this young Asian man appeared and stopped next to me and Said “hi” to me in the type of stereotypical voice normal reserved for gay men in comedy movies. I however ignored that and proceeded to say hi back to him because I’m a friendly person I thought maybe he just has funny pronunciation. However, the next few questions quickly changed my mind. it was when he asked me where I was from he said “so cutie where are you from” I knew for sure that he was flaming gay and since Sammi was still getting the milk tea I couldn’t run away so I replied I’m from Canada to which he responded “Oh I like Canada, because it rhymes with banana. I like bananas very much? After which he sang Canada banana banana Canada. I was seriously creeped out, and this guy kept getting closer and closer to me. Then to make things even more weird and creepy he said “Your handsome I like you, I like big foreigners very much”. At the same time as he said this he did a pelvic thrust in my direction. That was the last straw I was panicking so I looked over at Sammi telepathically telling her to hurry the fuck up or I was bolting. When the Flamer saw me staring at Sammi, he said in a disapproving tone “who’s that girl, Is she your friend or tour guide?” I was finally able to save myself by informing him that Sammi was in fact my wife. To which he responded “ Ahhhh Shucks your already taken?? I responded “yeah”.

Finally Sammi came over and saved me from the conversation so the guy said “ ok I hope to see you again privately sometime” and quickly walked away swiveling his hips. As we got back onto the bike to go back home Sammi said “I think he wanted to fuck you” “NO SHIT” was the only correct response.

Normally I have no problem with gays I completely believe that they should be entitled to the same privileges as straight people with no persecution or harassment , a few of my friends in Canada where openly gay but this guy was too much, He would have been rejected from the gay pride parade because he was too flaming

I will be avoiding Shi Quan Jie for the next 6 months and if I’m forced to go there I will carry a sign that says “PROSTITUES AND DESPERATE SINGLES FUCK OFF I’M MARRIED”

Excuse me I will go have nightmares now

Posted in Scary, Suzhou, My life 7 Comments »

Wow i haven’t updated my blog in a long time i guess thats because i have been sick, tired, weather pissed me off, and i’m also just plain lazy

our issue with the landlord improved he no longer minds if we have a dog in the apartment as long as we keep it away from the stupid bitches in the building. sometimes we really hate this suzhou bitches, sammi is suzhou people but she also hates the old fucking bitches that complain about everything and have nothing better to do than bitch about something and cause trouble.

the other week sammi took kingkong downstairs to take a shit and after he finished sammi used the plastic bag to pick up the poop and put in the garbage. some old bitch came over and told sammi that near her house there is lots of dog shit and it must be our dogs. sammi argued that it can’t be because our dog is on lease and we always pick up after him. sammi then asked the woman where she lives the woman said she lives in block 17 which is about a 5 min walk from our place its about the furthest away you could get from our house sammi said it was it was impossible for it to be ours but the old bitch wouldn’t listen and said all the shit in xinxin hua yuan is our fault. at this point Sammi realized talking to this woman was pointless and told her ” listen you fucking inbred twat there is more than one dog in this apartment complex so shut the fuck up before i shove this dog shit down your throat, your the living proof that not all dogs have 4 legs biatch!

sammi went inside at that point and turn on the tv, good girl she’s learning how to deal with bitches properly

Posted in Suzhou, My life No Comments »

i have recently noticed a big difference in the quality of fakes in china and to tell you the truth i’m upset. i’m not talking about shoes DVD’s clothes watches etc. i’m taking about coke and pepsi, in china its almost impossible to buy real soft drinks and even when they come from the official coke factory something is different about the formula because they can’t keep their carbonation for more than a min or 2 after opening. i have found the cans to be better than the bottles. over the last month i have found the coke and pepsi real and fake avaliable in suzhou to have decreased in quality to the point i can’t drink it. they are lacking the sharp tang that i have learned to associate with coke and the smoother taste i have noticed in pepsi. recently i think the watered down drinks avaliable at movie theaters and fast food joints back home surpasses the quality here.

if i want a real nice tasting coke or pepsi i will have to get one of the import bottles from japan they are extra cool because the bottle is made of metal, but the downside of this is that they cost nearly 20yuan while the chinese coke costs just 2.5 yuan

so i guess i need a new drink so far i’m leaning towards vodka but i can’t drink that at work so feel free to send in your suggestions

cheers

Posted in Humor, Suzhou, My life No Comments »

well everyone looks like the weather has taken a turn for the worse its now freezing cold and raining and winter has barely started. on top of all that i’m sick again i have been hacking up a lung and a half everyday. winter in suzhou has to be the only place worse than for a real canadian winter. this wet drippy cold i can’t stand it chills you to the bone. high humidity and cold weather should never mix and of course suzhou’s lack of central heating makes it even worse. in canada you come in from the -20C weather and the house is +20C so you warm up quickly and can even take off your jacket and sweater and walk around in a t-shirt and shorts. in suzhou you come in from the 0C weather and its 0C inside your house too so you can’t warm up. the only way you can warm up is if you turn on the aircon or if you use a portable heater. but the problem with this is that it only heats up one room and the second you open the door to go into the other room all the heat is lost. also leaving the aircon on for 24hours a day is way too expensive. in the middle of winter you have to have the aircon on in the bedroom at night otherwise you will freeze to death, or atleast have a real goose down quilt. in the winter i dread the trip to the bathroom because you go from your relativily warm bedroom to the fucking freezing bathroom. the only remotely comparable experience i have ever had is trying to piss in a blizzard while i was skiing in canada.

now i will share the best secret with you. for men i recommend having a bucket right next to the bed if the need strikes you in the middle of the night and you really have to go. just poke your little guy out of the quilt lift up the bucket and fire away. girls you still have to get out of bed to use the bucket but its better than going to the bathroom.

p.s. remember to empty the bucket everyday and never piss into an empty juice bottle because in the groggy morning you might mistake it for apple juice.

its good to be a guy

Posted in Bitching, Humor, Suzhou, My life No Comments »

sorry for not posting in so long life has been too busy the last little while. but during this post i feel like ranting so thats what i’m gonna do

ok Girls i know Hello Kitty, Mickey Mouse and all those other cartoons are very cute and they make you feel happy and young. and thats great i don’t mind that at all, your more than welcome to have some dolls or even a t’shirt or hat with one of those characters on it. but where they don’t belong is on your ass, your not 3 fucking years old. everyday when i’m walking i see someone who has a hello kitty or mickey mouse patch covering most of their ass on their jeans. do you wake up in the morning and say “i wonder what would make my figure look the best?”" should i wear my jeans with a nice fit and nicely cut pockets at the back, or should i wear my jeans that have a nice fit with a big picture of Goofy’s face on my ass?” “hmmm tough choice

here are some simple reasons

1) you look stupid

2) its not flattering

3) nicely shaped jeans and pockets can improve your figure, mickey mouse can not

4) your not a child

5) you will probably not get hired for a real job if you wear those to the interview

6) you will never attract a man with an IQ of more than 50

7) everybody is laughing at your behind your back

makes your ass look flat and lumpy

9) i want to kick the picture, that means i will probably kick your ass

Posted in Bitching, Humor, Suzhou No Comments »

i have noticed in my long stay in china that china has alot of customs and sayings, almost anyone you talk to will say at some point in the conversation say” in china its a custom to….” or ” … its our custom to do that” i have come to realise there is a custom for everything probably most of the customs are thought of on the spot. also i figure a real custom must be old and have some sort of history. the other day i went to a wedding and i asked some people how much money should i give to the bride and groom and they all responded in china its a custom to give 200yuan if you are going alone or 500 yuan if you are bringing a date/partner. i’m wondering how long this exact amount has been an actual custom because for the local chinese person 500 yuan is alot of money nowdays its about 1/3 to 1/4 of their salary and i know about 10 years ago 500 yuan was a few months salary. i think what they should say is that giving money is a custom and if you ask how much should you give they should respond ” people usually give 200yuan” they can’t actually say 200 yuan is a custom because i know in a few years 200yuan will be almost worthless. and if you give that much you will be insulting their customs

another custom that i don’t understand is everyone says its a custom in china to buy a house before you get married, i don’t disagree with it but i do think its odd because not too long ago almost everyone lived in apartments and dormitories that their employer provided and many young people had to put their marriage plans on hold until their employer agreed to give them their own private apartment or at least their own room unless they wanted their co-workers to watching them rutting away. i personally think that would kill the romantic mood.

that bring me on to my next point, chinese sayings. i have heard hundreds of different chinese saying since i came to china if someone has big hands they will say ” in china if you have big hands its lucky” if they have small hands ” in china if you have small hands its lucky” and if you have uneven eyes ” in china if you have uneven eyes you will find lots of money” whatever special feature or cruel deformity someone has they will know a saying about it that is ” its lucky, it will bring them wealth, it will let them have a long life, it give them a high sperm count”

if you eat sweet food you will have a girl and if you eat sour food you will have a boy is another ones of the sayings one person we know ate lots of sour food and her husband ate lots of sour food so they would have a boy and when the mother got pregnant the woman knew in her heart it was a boy so she told all of her friends how lucky she was and how the saying works, however 9 months later out popped a baby girl so i guess the saying didn’t work quite how she wanted. and she was also terribly embarassed because she told all her friends it would be a boy because she ate the food. maybe someone should have told her a famous western saying ” don’t count your chickens before they hatch”

i would like to make a collection of the weirdest chinese customs and saying everyone has heard of so please send them to me

Posted in Life, Humor, Suzhou, My life No Comments »

the other day i was walking along gan jiang lu going over the bridge near the university when i saw them, The thieves all of them of course from the Xin Jiang province they are the muslim minority in china and according to the local suzhou people they are responsible for all the crime in china, or Hector calls them ” the mexicans of china”. normally i don’t pay them too much attention mostly i make sure they are not following me. but today for some unknown reason i wanted to take a little closer look at them. 3 boys probably around the age of 15 or 16 they looked friendly enough but i knew the truth. i have seen before the people from the Xin jiang minority look more handsome than the average chinese person, in truth many xin jiang people could probably be chinese models if the photographer wasn’t so scared they would steal his camera when he wasn’t looking. but never before have a seen that they dress better also. as i walked by i took a look at their clothes, their clothes were italian style, well pressed, clean, and well fit. also they weren’t wearing white socks with black pants and shoes. once i walked by i came up with a great idea seeing as how the average chinese boy dresses like shit and his clothes look like they were picked out by stevie wonder with an abstract painter tripping on acid helping him. i know a few years ago everyone in america was watching “queer eye for a straight guy” how about we come up with a TV show called “XinJiang eye for the Suzhou guy” i think that would be a great idea as long as they don’t steal the script or the camera

Posted in Humor, Suzhou, My life No Comments »

My last blog was about the foreign birds at Jin Ji Hu i was wondering where they came from, and i have just found out. everyone who has been to Jin Ji Hu knows that in the middle of the lake is an island that no-one can go to. it turns out that island is a Bird conservatory a very small one but a conservatory none the less. on this island there is supposedly huge flocks of birds including peacocks, owls, crows, woodpeckers and other non-chinese birds. i think the whole idea is kinda silly having beautiful birds on an island that no-one can go to kind of like have beautiful paintings by famous artists and putting them is boxes so no one can see. i wonder whos idea it was?

well the problem now is that birds don’t like staying on an island that’s so small so they are escaping  now there are thousands of foreign birds around jin ji hu mostly on the east side, but they are increasing in numbers because of having no natural enemies so is only a short time before they get hostile. any day now i’m expecting to go outside and see a scene from Alford hitchcocks ” The Birds”

Posted in Humor, Suzhou, My life No Comments »