Sometime in China when you’re traveling or away from your home and you really need to take a shit what can you do?

There are a couple methods most people use.

First is to just hold it in until you can get back home. Which can result in severe pain and possible explosive shit. And it sucks walking along having to clench your ass cheeks closed so nothing slips out.

Second is to chance a Chinese public squatting toilet, although this has many serious drawbacks. Such as cleanliness there is oft naught more shit on the ground than there is in the trough because some people hate waiting. If is a squatting toilet without doors you will probably attract quite a crowd. And there is nothing worse than trying to aim your shit into that tiny slot while some countryside fuckwad is yelling “Harrrooooo Harroooo laowai,” at you. But by far the worst circumstance you could find yourself in is your in a squatting toilet where there is no doors or even partitions, everyone is just squatting and shitting in a line. You will probably encounter the English leach that wants to practice English with you while you’re shitting. So just see yourself squatting there facing another guy shitting while he asks you retarded questions: Where are your from? How old are you? Do you like China? Are you used to Chinese food? Do you want to make friends with me? Did you know China has 5000 year of wonderful culture?

Do you want to have to deal with all this shit ( pun intended) while your shitting? I figure its already hard enough to balance yourself while your squatting you don’t need any of those distractions.

So I came up with the “Another Laowai Shitting Technique” Which I have been using myself for over 4 years. This special technique is free for all of you to use until I can get it copyrighted, then you gotta pay for the privilege.

When your out and about and you really need to shit just pop into the nearest 5 star hotel. 4 star hotels can be used if the 5 star hotel is too far away and you really need to shit. Next go up to the front desk and ask directions to some location you know of which is pretty far away. When they offer to call you a taxi say “No thank you I enjoy walking” be sure to ask how far away it is walking. Once they tell you the time you must respond with shock and go ” Wow thats quite a walk, Excuse me where’s your toilet it’s probably a good idea if I went before I start walking” They will then direct you to the hotel’s bathroom which is always superbly clean and well stocked with toilet paper rolls so you don’t need to do the patented Sinocidal technique. Once your in the room just drop your pants and let it drop into the nice clean western toilet. Be sure to enjoy the soft music playing to make your shitting experience more comfortable. I have found one hotel in Shanghai that actually has a small TV in the toilet stall tuned to the sports network so you don’t miss the game, while you’re giving your offering to the toilet gods.

Sometime there just isn’t a nice hotel in the neighborhood so I have a backup plan in that case. You go into any hotel and ask for their best room or something near the top. Make sure it has a bathroom in the room beforehand. Don’t pay the deposit right away. First ask to see the room, they will take you upstairs and show you the room. Tell them you will take the room and you’ll be downstairs in a min to pay the deposit you just want to drop your bags off first and get the money from your bag. The woman will leave the room. Immediately you must go into the bathroom, carefully lift the piece of paper that says “sanitized” from the toilet seat, quickly shit, flush the evidence away, and then carefully place the piece of paper back again. Next you go downstairs and tell the people behind the desk that you decided the room wasn’t satisfactory and won’t be staying. You must leave quickly before they ask too many questions.

And there you have it, the Another Laowai Shitting Technique for your use and pleasure.

All methods have been officially tested by me and are guaranteed to work.

You can offer your thanks in Cash or Comments.

Cash preferred!

Posted in China General, Weird, Life, Humor, My life 20 Comments »

I don’t like cats and I don’t think I ever will. Yes, they are cute and they are easy too look after, but I am a dog person myself. I wasn’t expecting last night when I went home that I would find 4 kittens in my bathtub.

Sammi had told me that there was gonna be a surprise when I got home but this wasn’t what I was expecting.

Turns out my sister saw the kittens downstairs and knew they would die during the typhoon so she decided to rescue them. She plans to put them downstairs again after the typhoon is finished

I hope they are gone soon because their food really stinks and its stinking up the whole house.

why couldn’t she find a bunch of wet cute puppies downstairs?

Posted in Weird, Suzhou, My life 1 Comment »

After reading Ryans Post on Censortive, which is a great wordpress plugin he created. I decided it was high time I found some ways to avoid getting blocked even though I rarely write about stuff that could get me blocked. While I don’t have the programing skill Ryan does I’m smart enough to notice that Net Nanny affects mostly Chinese and English searches and posts leaving some other less known languages completely unblocked. Example Nik’s Page ( warning graphic bloody T-square images and content also lots of Asian boobies) if you wanna know what he’s talking about just babelfish it.

So I figured if the robots ignore his page because its in another less common language almost non existent in China I had a great idea I can write in Pig-Latin and the censors won’t do a damn thing to stop me. How many of the 30,000 Cyber Police in China can read Pig-Latin. Almost nobody in Canada can so that make it even less likely in China

Here’s my post in Pig-Latin traditional style.

Afterway eadingray Yansray Ostpay onway Ensortivecay, ichwhay
isway away eatgray ordpressway uginplay ehay eatedcray. Iway
ecidedday itway asway ighhay imetay Iway oundfay omesay aysway
otay avoidway ettinggay ockedblay evenway oughthay Iway arelyray
itewray aboutway uffstay atthay ouldcay etgay emay ockedblay.
Ilewhay Iway on’tday avehay ethay ogramingpray illskay Yanray
oesday I’mway artsmay enoughway otay oticenay atthay Etnay
Annynay affectsway ostlymay Inesechay andway Englishway
earchessay andway ostspay eavinglay omesay otherway esslay
ownknay anguageslay ompletelycay unblockedway. Exampleway
Ik’snay Agepay ( arningway aphicgray oodyblay TAY-aresquay
imagesway andway ontentcay alsoway otslay ofway Asianway
oobiesbay) ifway ouyay annaway owknay atwhay e’shay alkingtay
aboutway ustjay abelfishbay itway.

Osay Iway iguredfay ifway ethay obotsray ignoreway ishay agepay
ecausebay itsway inway anotherway esslay ommoncay anguagelay
almostway onnay existentway inway Inachay Iway adhay away
eatgray ideaway Iway ancay itewray inway Igpay-Atinlay andway
ethay ensorscay on’tway oday away amnday ingthay otay opstay
emay. Owhay anymay ofway ethay 30,000 Ybercay Olicepay inway
Inachay ancay eadray Igpay-Atinlay. Almostway obodynay inway
Anadacay ancay osay atthay akemay itway evenway esslay ikelylay
inway Inachay

And Pig-Latin Learning style

After-way eading-ray Yans-ray Ost-pay on-way Ensortive-cay,
ich-whay is-way a-way eat-gray ordpress-way ugin-play e-hay
eated-cray. I-way ecided-day it-way as-way igh-hay ime-tay I-way
ound-fay ome-say ays-way o-tay avoid-way etting-gay ocked-blay
even-way ough-thay I-way arely-ray ite-wray about-way uff-stay
at-thay ould-cay et-gay e-may ocked-blay. Ile-whay I-way
on’t-day ave-hay e-thay ograming-pray ill-skay Yan-ray oes-day
I’m-way art-smay enough-way o-tay otice-nay at-thay Et-nay
Anny-nay affects-way ostly-may Inese-chay and-way English-way
earches-say and-way osts-pay eaving-lay ome-say other-way
ess-lay own-knay anguages-lay ompletely-cay unblocked-way.
Example-way Ik’s-nay Age-pay ( arning-way aphic-gray oody-blay
-TAY-are-squay images-way and-way ontent-cay also-way ots-lay
of-way Asian-way oobies-bay) if-way ou-yay anna-way ow-knay
at-whay e’s-hay alking-tay about-way ust-jay abelfish-bay it-way.

O-say I-way igured-fay if-way e-thay obots-ray ignore-way is-hay
age-pay ecause-bay its-way in-way another-way ess-lay ommon-cay
anguage-lay almost-way on-nay existent-way in-way Ina-chay
I-way ad-hay a-way eat-gray idea-way I-way an-cay ite-wray
in-way Ig-pay-Atin-lay and-way e-thay ensors-cay on’t-way o-day
a-way amn-day ing-thay o-tay op-stay e-may. Ow-hay any-may
of-way e-thay 30,000 Yber-cay Olice-pay in-way Ina-chay an-cay
ead-ray Ig-pay-Atin-lay. Almost-way obody-nay in-way Anada-cay
an-cay o-say at-thay ake-may it-way even-way ess-lay ikely-lay
in-way Ina-chay

Do you think Net Nanny can read it, I sure don’t.

Quick note I used a converter to translate my text because I didn’t want to write everything 3 times. If your not fluent in Pig-Latin you can use this translator to change it back into English.

UCKFAY ETNAY ANNYNAY OURYAY AWAY ITCHBAY

Posted in Weird, Humor 10 Comments »