How to take a shit in China
Sometime in China when you’re traveling or away from your home and you really need to take a shit what can you do?
There are a couple methods most people use.
First is to just hold it in until you can get back home. Which can result in severe pain and possible explosive shit. And it sucks walking along having to clench your ass cheeks closed so nothing slips out.
Second is to chance a Chinese public squatting toilet, although this has many serious drawbacks. Such as cleanliness there is oft naught more shit on the ground than there is in the trough because some people hate waiting. If is a squatting toilet without doors you will probably attract quite a crowd. And there is nothing worse than trying to aim your shit into that tiny slot while some countryside fuckwad is yelling “Harrrooooo Harroooo laowai,” at you. But by far the worst circumstance you could find yourself in is your in a squatting toilet where there is no doors or even partitions, everyone is just squatting and shitting in a line. You will probably encounter the English leach that wants to practice English with you while you’re shitting. So just see yourself squatting there facing another guy shitting while he asks you retarded questions: Where are your from? How old are you? Do you like China? Are you used to Chinese food? Do you want to make friends with me? Did you know China has 5000 year of wonderful culture?
Do you want to have to deal with all this shit ( pun intended) while your shitting? I figure its already hard enough to balance yourself while your squatting you don’t need any of those distractions.
So I came up with the “Another Laowai Shitting Technique” Which I have been using myself for over 4 years. This special technique is free for all of you to use until I can get it copyrighted, then you gotta pay for the privilege.
When your out and about and you really need to shit just pop into the nearest 5 star hotel. 4 star hotels can be used if the 5 star hotel is too far away and you really need to shit. Next go up to the front desk and ask directions to some location you know of which is pretty far away. When they offer to call you a taxi say “No thank you I enjoy walking” be sure to ask how far away it is walking. Once they tell you the time you must respond with shock and go ” Wow thats quite a walk, Excuse me where’s your toilet it’s probably a good idea if I went before I start walking” They will then direct you to the hotel’s bathroom which is always superbly clean and well stocked with toilet paper rolls so you don’t need to do the patented Sinocidal technique. Once your in the room just drop your pants and let it drop into the nice clean western toilet. Be sure to enjoy the soft music playing to make your shitting experience more comfortable. I have found one hotel in Shanghai that actually has a small TV in the toilet stall tuned to the sports network so you don’t miss the game, while you’re giving your offering to the toilet gods.
Sometime there just isn’t a nice hotel in the neighborhood so I have a backup plan in that case. You go into any hotel and ask for their best room or something near the top. Make sure it has a bathroom in the room beforehand. Don’t pay the deposit right away. First ask to see the room, they will take you upstairs and show you the room. Tell them you will take the room and you’ll be downstairs in a min to pay the deposit you just want to drop your bags off first and get the money from your bag. The woman will leave the room. Immediately you must go into the bathroom, carefully lift the piece of paper that says “sanitized” from the toilet seat, quickly shit, flush the evidence away, and then carefully place the piece of paper back again. Next you go downstairs and tell the people behind the desk that you decided the room wasn’t satisfactory and won’t be staying. You must leave quickly before they ask too many questions.
And there you have it, the Another Laowai Shitting Technique for your use and pleasure.
All methods have been officially tested by me and are guaranteed to work.
You can offer your thanks in Cash or Comments.
Cash preferred!
Posted in China General, Weird, Life, Humor, My life
I'll do this later because I'm really lazy and I'm sure its of no real interest to you anyway.
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November 17th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
Everyone waited a month and more for an entry about where and how to shit?! What the FUCK is wrong with you?! Your blogs now officially sucks and by zero-sum game, my blog is now that much better.
November 17th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
Whats wrong with an article about shitting? Obviously you didn’t read many of my previous posts, most of my posts are not supposed to taken seriously or are inside jokes for people living in China.
I think you have inspired me to write an article on pissing or maybe even an article on how to chew Chinese food
November 17th, 2007 at 11:21 pm
I also find those hole-in-the-floor-shitters a source of dread and fore-boding. I sometimes find myself curtailing a day’s shopping because I want to avoid the indignity of simultaneously holding up my clothes to prevent them touching the floor, pushing out my trousers so they’re well away from the line of fire, and also lining up for the shot. Bloody nightmare. Those things should be banned - on the grounds of health and common decency - not just in China, but wherever they occur, in Korea, Thailand, even France.
November 19th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Failing a nearby fancy hotel with a fancy gleaming dunny in the foyer “For the convenience of guests and their associates”, I whip into the nearest cleanish looking restaurant and saunter in like I own the joint.
“Where’s the WC” I ask politely.
Startled Xiaojie for 2 reasons: First, a Laowai who speaks Chinese and secondly the terror of being the ONLY Laowai in living memory that has asked to use the dunny.
“Errr, upstairs on the right” she stumbles as the other Xiaojies titter at her predicament. Right. Up we go.
“Hmmmm”, not TOO dirty, but you could fix the grimy bit of string that you use to flush it. I tend to reach up for the un-grimy section of string. My 2 mao worth !
November 26th, 2007 at 10:49 am
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a post about shitting. Sinocidal was built on such posts and has 5000 years of glorious history writing about how and where to take a good poo. In fact I may have to update the tagline to “5 guys squatting around in China.”
Bravo!
December 25th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
What about the local KFC?
January 30th, 2008 at 11:20 am
If I had only had this key advice when I was living in China. It would have made my life there a lot less shittier!
Heh, jk, I had a good time there, but I couldn’t resist the nice little pun. I did have a lot of run ins with some horrible bathrooms though. Hangzhou’s train station had the worse public toilets by far.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
This is some top quality shit! I loved it! It’s difficult but hilarious to picture all those shitting moments you have experienced in China, especially shitting while having to deal with idiots that wanna practise their English. I always use the first technique - holding it! As I hardly shit out, unless I’m sure I’m gonna shit thru, I always take away my shit till I get home and shit in. I do piss out a lot, my favourite places to dump my liquid waste are toilets at KFC…
March 18th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
(continued) … Funny I can always find a KFC when I need to answer ‘the call’, the big ‘M’ may need to do some research to attract more perspective Mctoilet users to sell some Mc Toilet Paper or something…
August 3rd, 2008 at 4:56 am
I just walk into the hotel toilet. Nobody knows if you are a guest or not.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:50 am
What I do is go up to the hotel front desk, start asking for directions, drop trou and shit right there on the floor. Then say thank you and walk away.
November 4th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I don’t even know,fellow!) continued to write in the same vein, it is interesting people!
November 9th, 2008 at 8:25 am
to who the person who wrote this article on how to pop a sqaut and take a shit in china i found reading your article intresting but all the points above i have already experienced. my personal experiences i had to run out of these places as if someone saw the mess i made i would of been arrested so please rewrite an article on best ass positioning so your dump ends up in the hole. thanks howie
October 6th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
lol, now i know how 2 shit
October 17th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Most interesting and useful article. Will post a link on my blog.
Hotels are most convenient in China indeed, not only for taking a dump. In most of the cities in China, when it’s around 5pm, taxi-drivers end their shift and have to return to the company. From 5pm-6pm it’s often impossible to catch a cab. I personally use the hotels in China to take a taxi as they often line up at the hotels.
Some hotels have a policy that only clients that reside in their hotel can take a taxi in front of the hotel. So, it’s always a smart thing to go inside the hotel first, and then wait a few minutes. If you the hotel has another entrance, use that one and then exit the hotel where the taxi’s are lining up. Next, you come out of the hotel as if you reside in the hotel. Having a white face helps a lot.
October 17th, 2009 at 11:06 am
[…] Interesting article : How to take a dump in China […]
October 17th, 2009 at 11:14 am
To Kiwiland en Collin :
McDonalds is a good alternative as well. But often they don’t have toiletpaper, so you can ask some napkins at the counter first…
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:21 pm
TAKE A SHIT AT THIS SHIT WEBSITE.
ALL IS SHIT.
DAMN IT.
November 7th, 2009 at 1:46 am
Haha seems like some shitty situations.
January 16th, 2010 at 9:25 pm
You have not experienced a weird shitting experience in China until you have gone in a countryside, by the road stone walled shitter where there is a hole to a trough below with pigs snouts sticking up ready to eat what you are about to produce for them. Usually there is a restaurant nearby, serving fresh pig. Bon Appetite.
After 13 years in China… I have to say there is a more embarrassing situation which you have not mentioned - and that has to do with uncontrollable squirts in your pants of projectile poop that can shoot out after a sudden bad stomach.